Radio 59, side A, track 18: “Tom Cruise gets a speeding ticket”

Tom CruiseOh, Tom Cruise, you’re pretty gross.  Back in the day, I thought you were just kind of a tool who made good movies now and again.  But these days I’m on a permanent Tom Cruise boycott.  It’s the Scientology stuff, man.  It’s just creepy.  YOU’RE creepy.  I don’t get how people still find you not off-putting.

Don’t get me wrong, Tom Cruise, I think you’ve got the right to practice whatever religion you want.  Including Scientology.  And while I haven’t come around to whatever it is you guys actually believe, I have slowly stepped off the bandwagon of talking about how crazy your beliefs are.  Sure, all that stuff about Xenu and thetans and stuff seems kinda silly, and after watching “Going Clear”, it should seem pretty obvious to you that LRH took y’all for the long con.  But that’s neither here nor there.  The other religions who scoff at your claims have hundreds if not thousands of years on you.  Joseph Smith got run out of town for his beliefs and now we’ve had a Mormon presidential candidate.  Jesus didn’t exactly have an easy time of it, either.  YOU try explaining that you were born of a virgin, that you’re the son of God, AND that you’re actually just one third of one being also made up of your dad and a ghost.  Scrutiny is no religion’s friend.

I’m pretty blase about the whole religion thing, Tom Cruise.  But as I was thinking about what I was going to write about this particular post, besides that you’re a dick, I realized that I have a fairly simple litmus test regarding my thoughts on religion, if I ever think about it at all, and that’s regarding how that religion treats kids and animals.  After watching “Going Clear”, Scientology’s out; the story of the pregnant woman scrubbing concrete while her other kid was getting sick in a daycare from hell, no way, dude.  And while Jesus was all “let the children come unto me”, his dad was previously just fine having his followers killing every man, woman, and child who got in their way.  And he loved him some animal sacrifices.  And allow me a tangent for a moment, Tom Cruise.  Remember the story of Lot living in Sodom or Gomorrah or some such and a couple angels came to visit him, and there were all these guys clamoring outside his door wanting to rape those angels?  For one thing, I’ve seen enough episodes of “Supernatural” to know that those angels could have handled themselves just fine.  But instead of those angels throwing down and kicking some rapist ass, Lot offers to send his daughters out into the throng instead.  Good times.

Anyway, Tom Cruise, you’re a douchey religious zealot and I don’t like you.  And apparently you got a speeding ticket in 1990, which I realize now was probably just a publicity stunt for “Days Of Thunder”.  What a dick you are.  But damn if that isn’t a great movie.

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