Radio 68, side A, track 1: “Ice Ice Baby” by Vanilla Ice

Ice Ice Baby - Vanilla IceOh, Vanilla Ice, I know a lot of people are thinking “He just recorded this off the radio!  JUST!”  It’s true, Vanilla Ice, but we were starting off a brand new tape, and along comes the hottest song on the planet, and it’s a “pure” song to boot.  Ain’t gonna pass that up.

I cannot stress enough how popular this song was, Vanilla Ice.  Besides just remembering my love of this song, the only other clear memory I have of this song is when I was a few years into college, hanging out at someone’s house after being at the bar, and I was pretty liquored up, and they had the MTV on and it was a countdown of the worst music videos of all time and the video for this was #1 and you were there and you went crazy and smashed the shit out of the set with a baseball bat.  I don’t remember seeing it myself but I remember the guys who were watching it describing the insanity of it.

Of course, YouTube has it and I watched it, and it was about as ’90s as you can get, back when Chris Kattan was a thing and Janeane Garofalo didn’t make me sad and Denis Leary hadn’t yet defended rape and Jon Stewart hadn’t yet become one of the great commentators of our time.  And at the time, I’m sure I was piling on just like everybody else.  But now I get it.

You had the #1 song, Vanilla Ice.  And it was a great song.  And yeah, you were more than a little full of shit, but you were winning awards and getting massive airplay, and then suddenly it’s all a joke?  I say thee nay, Vanilla Ice.  Just like my decades-too-late defense of Milli Vanilli, don’t hate the player, hate the game.  And don’t hate the guy making millions of dollars because his song is popular.  Hate all the people who shelled out that money.

It’s like all these people who hate Trump or Hillary or Bernie or whoever.  No.  You’re hating the wrong people.  We always hate the wrong people.  Trump and Hillary and Bernie and Obama and whoever else it is people hate wouldn’t even have a voice if other people didn’t give them money or buy the products who endorse them, or take their silliness seriously, etc., etc.  Kanye West would just be some pouty middle-aged guy who won’t stop talking about himself, but people give him money.  So if you don’t like Kanye West, that’s not his fault.  It’s all the people who gave him money, THAT’S who you don’t like.  Or at least that’s who you shouldn’t like.  Kanye’s just some lucky schmuck who figured out the system.

Point is, Vanilla Ice, someone doesn’t become popular on their own.  It’s because guys like me were listening to your music over and over.  Because we loved it.  And shame on me for pretending I didn’t a few years later.

It’s true that haters gonna hate.  It’s just that we haters gotta figure out the right people to hate.

Word to your mother.

lyrics to “Ice Ice Baby”

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